Life goes on.

Life has been good.  Working hard on my Martial Arts, some colored pencil, hosting several sleep overs and working on the garden and back patio.  I am on schedule to test for my next belt "Gold".  I am working out harder and never even thought I could do what I am doing now.  I don't even think about where I will be in a year.  I have started learning the 108 movement Tai Chi form and I am loving it.

The house these day is not getting as much attention as some might think it needs.  I am busy doing other things.  I have friends who will be having babies in the near future and I am crocheting baby blankets for them.  One couple who are raising money to adopt will be having a craft fair.  I am going to donate several items that I crochet for them.  So I got lots to do before November.  I have been working like crazy on lots of different pieces.  Caps, scarfs, shawls, lap throws and more shawls something new every day.

That is what I wrote last September and as time does, it slipped away.  So let me catch you up. I tested and got my Gold belt in MMA.  I went on my first Yoga Retreat, muscles hurt that I have not been moving.  I started having some problems while working out.  I started sweating profusely during my workout and while doing things like fixing my hair.  My GP did lots of testing, blood, urine, CAT scan and Ultra Sound.  He sent me to an Endocrinologist.

She repeated some of his testing an had me checking my blood sugar and blood pressure when I had episodes.  I quickly learned my sugar was fine but the blood pressure would spike to over 200 on exertion.  Then drop just as fast when I stopped the activity. She was looking for Phenochromatotis. (Tumor on the Adrenal glands)

Thanksgiving and Christmas passed during this time.  I was getting behind on testing for my next belt because I was afraid to move.  I didn't want to have a stroke or heart attack.  So I put back on some weight during Christmas.  I also felt the depression that had been gone for so long.

I am now a fighter mentally and physically.  And I am fighting for my body and my mind.  I finally got a test back that said I didn't have Phenochromatotis.   The Doctor put me on another blood pressure medicine and I felt better in 2 days.  I am back to fighting for my Green Belt which I have plans to have by the end of February.  I made my appointment with my Heart Doctor hopefully to pinpoint the reason the blood pressure was spiking.

I have come so far in the year of 2011.  It has been a roller coster ride lots of good points and several low moments.  I do feel so much younger than I did last year.  I have so much more energy and love of life.  Thank you God

Orange is my new color!

At the beginning of this year my color was black.  The cloud that followed me and the color I wore were both black.  At that time my future was even bleak and black as I view it.  My God had not forsaken me, I had pulled away from Him.  But things have changed. I listened to the tug on my heart to do something.  I took steps, not that I really was motivated in the beginning but because I knew deep down I was not a piece of junk.  Close but I had not thrown in the towel yet.

If you had told me then that I would be where I am today I maybe would have laughed!  More than not I would look at you like you were a fortune teller that didn't know me at all. I have always loved physical work, I didn't mind sweating.  Doing something important for a limited time, like building my fish pond was just down my alley but planning to "work out" was not on my sweating schedule.  I had gotten to where I paced myself, work hard for a few minutes and then rest.  Now I have more stamina, energy and I have lost 20 of those 75 lbs I was carrying the first of the year.

I really enjoy Martial Arts.  I sweat till I am dripping on the floor.  What is so funny is I love it.  I love the moving and pushing myself.  I just have to keep pushing the little voice in my head back into a corner.  It keeps trying to tell me I am too old, to heavy, I am going to hurt myself, I bruise too easy, and that this won't last.  I am still fighting my achilles heel and sometimes it hurts like crazy, but it is not going to stop me.  I am working at my rate.  My goal in MA is just the next belt.  Here I stand today accomplishing that goal for the first time.  My belt is Orange.  It was never my favorite color but I am beginning to love it.   Not for too long.  I am on my way to the next one already.  Could I possibly work my way to Black Belt?  Only time will tell.

Consistent Commitment

Life is getting better and better.  The depression is a thing of the past, even if it is not so far in the past.  Life has not changed, I have. Another visit to my psychiatrist  and she leaves me on the larger dose of Lexapro.  I may always be on some kind of anti depression meds.  I am okay with that.  Life is enjoyable now.

I am still going to Tai Chi classes and meeting people and have fun doing it.  I lost some weight and my husband joined me.  This makes eating this way so much easier and reduces more stress.  The weight is not coming off that quick because I am not on "DIET". I am realistic!  At this rate it could be years  before I unload the backpack with 70 lbs in it.  I know the key is movement, but I hate exercise!  I have no motivation to do it on my own.

While at Tai Chi classes I would watch the very young children going thru their routine.  It looked so easy for them.  I talked with David Hughes again.  I ask if he thought I could do Martial Arts.  David is so sweet and let me know that weight and age is not a factor.  He spent an hour with me, one on one.  He showed me what I would be learning and why and about punches and kicks.  After he explained how the belt system works, I fell in love with the idea of little chunks of a larger goal.  Goals within goals would keep me from looking to far into the future and making the end goal feel unattainable.  Now there was nothing stopping me but me.  I signed up for 6 months.  If I did it month to month it would be so easy to quit after one month.  I got my white pajamas, pink gloves and shoes, WCWMA patch and my white belt the beginning place (someone who knows nothing). 

I starter Martial Arts, 2 classes a week.  It was tough, I was out of breath and sweating from every pore.  Within 2 weeks I had my first stripe on my white belt, proof of learning.  You cannot imagine how excited I was.  Once again that feeling of accomplishment was like a drug I needed.  The extra movement helped with the weight, still slow but that is fine.

As of today, 2 months into Martial Arts I am ready for my exam for my Orange belt.  I am so happy with myself.  The first small goal is within my grasp, I am down 20 lbs.  It is getting easier to move.  My joints and I are getting along better and I know as I work harder one day the blood pressure will start to come down too.

This weekend WCWMA Extravaganza is taking place.  I will be performing with the Tai Chi group and the adult Martial Arts Group.  If I pass my test tomorrow I will be receving my orange belt in front of the school.

A New Commitment

After a month of Tai Chi I began to enjoy my classes.  Sometimes I felt like I was old and not capable of bending and remembering the next move, but I stuck with it.  Even when it felt like dancing in a blender.  Discussions with my therapist were always coming back to my weight and how uncomfortable I felt at 70 lbs. overweight.  She told me on 2 different occasions to stop trying and thinking about it.  What a relief! Then she told me when I was ready it would all fall into place.  I didn't swallow that hook line and sinker.  Nope!  I am in my 60's and this has been an ongoing battle.  IF that was true WHY would it take so long for me to be ready and when would ready happen?

I have GURD, acid reflux.  My esophagus is scared and periodically I have a procedure to check my stomach. I had been having some problems with a feeling of hunger all the time, but when I ate I got a pain like reflux. After the EGD the Doctor told me that at some time recently I had an ulcer.  It was healed but the scar tissue had closed down the outlet from the stomach.   I now had to eat small meals and more of them.  She suggested South Beach Diet because it recommends several small meals.  Was I going to be forced into a new eating plan?  Was I ready?  It was easy to eat smaller meals.  The pain would stop me.  It was easier to eat more often, who wouldn't want too.  That was easy.  I am doing what I need to why not eliminate all white stuff?  Potatoes, breads, rice and pasta were off my radar.  I started to loose, slowly, real slowly but I was not on a diet.

Can you say Tai Chi?

I drove by the Hendersonville YMCA and went in to check it out.  They had a pool, all the equipment and all the different classes anyone could ask for.  There was not a connection as I took the tour.  The price was right and even got better when I told him my age.  They had senior only classes with exercise focusing on my age group, water classes for joint pain and water aerobics.  But... I did not feel at home and comfortable.  I was at a point where I wanted to start something but didn't know what or where.  I kept thinking about yoga because my sister had been going for about a year and was doing really well.  I needed strengthening and muscle work.

I contacted my cousin Sandy Odum Hughes who with her husband David own, Ernie Reyes West Coast Martial Arts, in Gallatin. They were starting a new Tai Chi class the first of May.  I have seen people do Tai Chi and it looked so graceful and easy. I went by their place and watched small children dressed in white pajamas going through their karate routines.  The place was a like a bee hive of people and children and teenagers.  Everyone was friendly and was willing to share their thought on David and Sandy as teachers.  I was comfortable there.  I figured it was a place to start so I called my sister, Wanda to ask her if she would like to try it with me.  I needed the support and she knew it, so she drove from Old Hickory to Gallatin to join me for weeks.  Thank you Wanda. 

Tai Chi looks simple, but when your out of shape it is tiring and seems so confusing.  But after a month it became easier and so relaxing and some moves became second nature.  Yes, it makes you sweat and increases muscle strength and flexability. I had a talk with David about weight loss and got his suggestions.  I was still not dieting!!!  I am  just enjoying the Tai Chi.

Picking myself up again.

Somehow my mind kept me from seeing what I truly looked like.  How is this possible, I knew how much I weight and looked into mirrors, but my mind did not connect these things. How could I have eaten myself into such a shape.  I have been fighting weight for 38 years, I have done almost everything to lose weight.  I even went to the extent of have Lap Band surgery.  That went well until I nearly died from Peritonitis. The band was gone and the weight returned along with a defeated feeling that I ate to cover.

The therapist thought that I was doing well enough before the trip to Honduras that I went 2 weeks with out seeing her.  The next visit was tough as I faced my feelings of failure, guilt, and the feeling of never being good enough.  I felt overwhelmed with failure with weight loss, not following up on my painting, drawing.  As bad as I felt earlier in the year this was worst.  I was aware of everything it seemed.  Earlier I felt drugged, sleep, not really aware of things going on around me but now I was super sensitive. All this came out and was discussed, I bearly remember what was said except when she told me "It is not time for you to try to lose weight".  That one statement lifted me back up.  She gave me work to do but not painting or dieting.   The next week was work adjusting to the new me I kept seeing in everyone's pictures from Honduras.  With each new picture I became more aware of how much I ate and just normally started to cut back some.  I had lost 3 pounds while in Honduras and that was eating the same, just working harder and moving more.  I had to find some way to move more.  I knew now I was strong enough to exercise I couldn't deny that.  I just needed to find something I enjoyed and could stay with.

Mission Trip

My first therapy visit after retreat I was still flying high.  I felt like I could accomplish anything, except I still seemed not to have the desire I thought I should have.  I was still not getting as much done as I wanted to do.  Naps had become far apart and I had the desire to plan things but not to follow through.  I still felt I didn't want anyone to know that I could become depressed.  I was ashamed!  I learned this in therapy, shame shaped my whole life. So I told a few people that I could trust with my shame.

The mission trip to Honduras was fast approaching and I stayed busy packing and unpacking.  I would have to manage my own bags through airports and every where we went. I still took too much.  My cargo bag weighted less than 50 lbs. My carry ons consisted of a purse/small carry on bag, a backpack with a change of clothes and bath supplies and my Cpap machine bag.  I was starting out handicapped with my weight but baggage was another 75 lb to move around.  I knew I could do anything after climbing that pole.

My medicine was helping with the chemical side of my depression and the talk therapy was helping with the emotional side.  By the time of the trip I was feeling pretty good.  Honduras is beautiful so is the people.  Sleeping in a cabin without air condition, showering with cold water, not being able to drink anything but bottled water were not a problem to me. The first day we traveled, the second day we hiked up Ambassador Mountain (yes mountain).  Almost to the top I told someone I felt like I was on the first day of biggest loser.  Coming down the mountain was just as hard on loose gravel.  I slept good.

I worked on a team building a home for a very poor woman and her son.  I helped with measuring and cutting boards.  We were finished in two days.  All that was left was window screens and screen doors that were finished up by the guys the next day.  I went with all the women to work with the children, it was well worth it.  

I have accomplished many things and this rates right up there with all of them.  I am glad I went.  I don't think the age made things harder on me but the weight did.  When I got home I had lost 3 lbs a good start.  I started thinking about what I ate.  It wasn't till all the photos taken of me in Honduras began showing up.  Who was this FAT, 2 chinned, all belly and boobs old woman I was looking at???  Two weeks after the trip I crashed again.  Depression again!