Picking myself up again.

Somehow my mind kept me from seeing what I truly looked like.  How is this possible, I knew how much I weight and looked into mirrors, but my mind did not connect these things. How could I have eaten myself into such a shape.  I have been fighting weight for 38 years, I have done almost everything to lose weight.  I even went to the extent of have Lap Band surgery.  That went well until I nearly died from Peritonitis. The band was gone and the weight returned along with a defeated feeling that I ate to cover.

The therapist thought that I was doing well enough before the trip to Honduras that I went 2 weeks with out seeing her.  The next visit was tough as I faced my feelings of failure, guilt, and the feeling of never being good enough.  I felt overwhelmed with failure with weight loss, not following up on my painting, drawing.  As bad as I felt earlier in the year this was worst.  I was aware of everything it seemed.  Earlier I felt drugged, sleep, not really aware of things going on around me but now I was super sensitive. All this came out and was discussed, I bearly remember what was said except when she told me "It is not time for you to try to lose weight".  That one statement lifted me back up.  She gave me work to do but not painting or dieting.   The next week was work adjusting to the new me I kept seeing in everyone's pictures from Honduras.  With each new picture I became more aware of how much I ate and just normally started to cut back some.  I had lost 3 pounds while in Honduras and that was eating the same, just working harder and moving more.  I had to find some way to move more.  I knew now I was strong enough to exercise I couldn't deny that.  I just needed to find something I enjoyed and could stay with.